parenting

In this post, we explore and take a look at three defined parenting styles and how they may impact the child.

Background

In the 1960’s, the research of clinical and developmental psychologist Dr Diana Baumrind led her to define three types of parenting styles; authoritative, authoritarian and permissive. Below we take a look at Dr Baumrind’s three styles and their possible impact on the child:

Authoritative

Considered the best of all the parenting styles, the authoritative approach combines nurture and validation with rules and discipline. The authoritative parent is considerate of the child’s feelings and opinions and allows them to make their own decisions, but within firm, defined limits. They explain consequences and set strong boundaries. This type of parent typically uses positive discipline – rather than harsh punishments – through rewarding and reinforcing positive behaviour. [Read more…]

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is evident in most clients I work with at Anglia Counselling, who present themselves for counselling and therapy.

There remains for others a misconception that CEN must be that the experience of obvious and overt abuse and trauma has occurred, and while these do fall into ‘neglect’ or abuse category, there are many more subtle examples, the symptoms of which can remain hidden from our conscious awareness for decades.

It is common for symptoms to only become more obvious once we embark on deep relationships – and then if we ourselves become parents.

So, who does not have any symptoms of neglect from childhood?

Very, very few humans have no symptoms at all.

So, what can be classed as childhood developmental neglect that leads to at least some level of psychological injury? Here are a few:

• Failing to attend to the infant and toddler when crying or otherwise distressed.
• Abandonment, temporary or permanent (attachment issues in later life, such as infidelity or difficulty committing).
• Not being ‘seen’, heard, or believed (Healthy attunement may be missing from ruptures with caregivers, especially when the child is shamed by unrealistic expectations, and most commonly today, with the newly acquired digital ‘soother’ that keeps the child occupied but without eye-to-eye contact that is crucial for healthy esteem and connection to others and oneself.)
• Uncertainty in the environment due to hostile relationships, anger, or inconsistent caregiver behaviours as seen in domestic abuse and violence.
• Parents and caregivers who put their own needs before the children.
• Parents and caregivers who are too busy.
• When a family member needs more care and attention than others, such as with long term illness or disability of a sibling.
• Poverty may or may not impact depending on whether love, attention and connection remain available.
• Overly protective parenting (Helicopter Parenting).
• Narcissistic parent or caregiver.
• Alcoholism and substance abuse, other addictions such as gambling and porn.
• When the child is bought-off with material possessions.

And there are many more developmental stage experiences that will ultimately shape the adult that the child becomes – and the relationships, including parenting styles, they have.

Who is to Blame?

It’s usually unhelpful to blame our parents and caregivers. They did the best with what they had in their awareness, usually repeating a transference via a culture of parenting that may well have been passed down the ancestral line for countless generations, until a ‘chain-breaker’ intervenes and with awareness and counsel, passes on to their own offspring a new, more mindful, less emotionally neglectful experience from which to enter adulthood, relationships, and parenting with.

*We always welcome working with clients who are planning to become parents and who have become aware that they themselves would rather avoid passing on negative approaches, including ‘over-parenting’.  

The roots of anxiety and depression in adulthood are often to be found in the child’s formative years while the nervous system was still being developed.

The natural way a child’s underdeveloped nervous system regulates is through relationships. The unnatural way is to regulate on its own which is the source of trauma.

When a parent or caregiver is unavailable for regulation and emotional support or when the parent or caregiver is the primary source of physical or emotional distress, the nervous system of the child is “pushed” to find strategies to regulate on its own and make the pain less painful.

Without emotional and biological support (co-regulation), the child’s brain learns: “I have to do it on my own“

The way to regulate on its own is via survival adaptations, responses and mechanisms that substitute for the co-regulation. It will become hyper-aroused, hyper-alert, disconnect, tense, freeze or shut down.

Walls Built That Can’t be Seen

Protective emotional barriers, or ‘walls’ are unconsciously created to try and protect the individual from further emotional pain. But these ‘walls’ also fail to allow us in adulthood to ‘feel’ the love of another.

The adult will also have learned through life to move pain into a problem-solving intellectual brain to solve, practically, an emotional problem. The result of this is a disconnection between the mind and body, leaving emotions to become subconsciously stored in the body while ‘we live in the brain’. Not only is this a safety behaviour, but it also has the effect of emotions with nowhere to go; no completion or catharsis, then we as adults become more and more distressed, affecting behaviourally our relationships with ourselves and others, our social and professional performance, our familial and domestic relationships.

We turn to numbing behaviours associated with alcohol or other substances, or allow anger and coercion, manipulation, and distrust, to affect many facets of our lived experience.

The Child Needs to Have Been Seen, Heard, and Believed!

Put simply, the child that learns there is value, and it is safe to express herself will continue to do so in adulthood. In this expressiveness she will be more able to set healthy boundaries, will have raised self-esteem, and be able to regulate her emotions so they do not lead to ill health and the assortment of other turbulence mentioned above.

Resources

Jonice Webb, PhD, author of “Running on Empty” and her website which contains a ‘self-assessment questionnaire’ for Childhood Emotional Neglect.

“The book I wish my parents had read” – Philippa Perry

Another wonderful piece by Tim, our resident guest author. This time we are looking at guilt; something many of us live with or have lived with for years.

I’ve been thinking a lot about guilt.

I don’t mean real guilt; guilt that is the guilt caused by a foul act such as a hurting another person or creature or committing a crime. I mean the guilt that we have had forced upon us by society, by, in prior days, religion, by those who seek to control us.

Guilt makes us secretive, drives us in on ourselves, can cause a multitude of unpleasantness for us and for those around us.

[Read more…]

The second part from her series introducing us to maternal mental health, we welcome back Anne Marie McKinley who is a Midwife and Birth Trauma Specialist. Here, Anne Marie explains how pregnancy is an opportunity to influence the future mental health and wellbeing of baby before birth and shares simple strategies to build resilience and interestingly, how imagination and visualisation can be of benefit.

The influences of external and internal factors on the health of the developing foetus and a growing baby have been widely researched. The belief that investing in psychological support for women who have mental health diagnoses and who report symptoms of depression or anxiety in pregnancy has evolved. Midwives, on booking, are encouraging women to appropriate pathways when symptoms are revealed. The importance of self-regulation, supportive environments, GP input, and psychological care are more prominent now than at any other time in the history of maternity care. [Read more…]

Here, we are continuing the China Doll series by resident guest author, Tim. Need I say more?

Married in 1979 we both wanted to be a good partnership, and we both wanted children. My wife wanted a football team, I was happy with the idea of two, perhaps three. Nature served us up just one, and his arrival needed help at the creation. [Read more…]

Almost 4 years ago, I wrote a piece about the effects of bullying because when I’m meeting and working with those who are psychologically distressed, I found one cause can frequently be attributed to the experience of being bullied in their early years. So, I asked if this is A Lifelong Legacy? especially as I have seen the effects from the ages 11 to over 60.

Sadly, even with all the awareness raised about bullying, this subject is still of great concern. We still see some concerning statistics that 43% of teens report that they have been bullied and that 90% of those who witness cyber bullying ignore it. [Read more…]

Once again, Tim hardly needs an introduction to this series based around the China Doll. He evokes many emotions and continues to enthral us.

I promised myself that the third piece I wrote about China Dolls would be the last. Then, as I sent the last piece to Bob for him to decide about suitability to publish this one crept into my head. The last three had ready made titles. They forced their way into my head and insisted I write them whereas, this one snuck up behind me and whispered into my ear. [Read more…]

This interesting piece was contributed by Jackie Edwards who is a freelance writer. Here, she discusses baby blues, postnatal depression (postpartum depression) and the differences.

If you have recently welcomed a new addition to the family, then you don’t need to be told what a life changing experience it is. In fact, there are not really any words to describe the effect that it has on your physical, mental and emotional state. The subjects of postnatal depression and the baby blues are topics that are often mentioned, but seldom really understood. Here we discuss both conditions and talk about coping strategies such as counselling and accepting assistance to help you adjust to life as a parent. [Read more…]

Resident guest author, Tim, continues on from his last post This China Doll Failed Quality Control and Must be Smashed. Read, digest and take something away.

I could quite possibly make a series about the collection and care of the China Doll. Some people seek out dolls that they deface, somehow, in order to create rejects out of perfection. Or, rather, they create their debased perfection out of true perfection.

If you’ve read This China Doll Failed Quality Control and Must be Smashed, which will open in a new tab for you, and, while not required reading, is a piece I suggest to you, you’ll learn more about me, and you’ll learn more about China Dolls; how parents can be terrifying, how some children (well, me) were afraid of their parents. Since I wasn’t smashed because I refused to show imperfection until I escaped you may have worked out that I am not writing about me this time. [Read more…]

We welcome back Tim, our resident guest author, who continues to enthral us.

That’s what they do in china doll factories – they smash them. Sure, we’ve heard of ‘seconds’ but that’s for plates, cups, saucers, and for the Outlet Store. China dolls are the perfect collectables; imperfection might make one unique, like a misprinted postage stamp, and thus have inherent value above the rest. Collectable china dolls are not ‘run of kiln’ or ROK items. [Read more…]