Family Roles: Their connection to codependent behaviours
The family ‘role’ that may have been assigned in childhood could explain why codependent behaviours are experienced in adulthood.
We can look to our childhood family for clues as to how we may, or have, developed a codependent relational style. Families can be viewed as an emotional unit which operates within their own unique complex system. ’Roles’ for each member of the family system can exist. These roles are mostly flexible and members can drift towards one or more. However, when there is dysfunction present – perhaps difficult issues that are not being addressed – these roles can become rigid and later, impact behaviour in adult relationships.
Finding Clues
Below are those roles that could be linked to codependent behaviours in adulthood:
1. The Hero
Often singled out for their great sporting ability, academic achievement, good looks or ‘perfect’ behaviour, The Hero is the family favourite. The Hero gives the family something to hide behind – problems can be denied or ignored because The Hero is proof that the family has clearly got something right.
2. The Scapegoat
All the family problems are blamed on The Scapegoat. This child may be disobedient, or there may be some other reason why they stand out as the ‘black sheep’ of the family, or there may be no good reason at all. Regardless, what is certain is, that by having a scapegoat, the family can ignore or deny any bigger issues.
3. The Lost Child
The Lost Child falls below the family radar which is too busy focusing on the Hero or Scapegoat. Expected to be compliant, sensible and undemanding, The Lost Child is overlooked when it comes to family attention and is often left feeling very lonely. The Lost Child learns to care for themselves and finds asking for help difficult.
4. The Mascot
The clown of the family system, The Mascot intervenes to lighten the mood distracting from deeper issues that may be present. The Mascot learns to ‘read the room’, sensing when humour may be needed to diffuse any potential conflict and allows for the avoidance of real problems being addressed.
In Conclusion
Each of these roles share the same message; that the individuals’ needs don’t matter. The individuals’ voice is only heard when their role is being played. Having no sense of self or of their innate value leaves the individual vulnerable to developing codependent behaviours such as people-pleasing, taking responsibility for others’ mistakes and having weak boundaries.
Changing scripts with mindfulness and compassion
The Antidote
Childhood roles, or their effects, do not need to remain fixed into adulthood; the script can be changed. We can learn to say ‘no’ more, speak up more, uncover likes and dislikes, practice mindfulness and generate a compassionate inner voice that offers a daily reminder of our true, innate value.
Bob Brotchie is a counsellor, mindset consultant and creator of "Conscious Living by Design"™. He writes for Anglia Counselling, is featured on various other websites and introduces us to many guest writers all covering topics related to mental health and wellbeing.
Bob provides bespoke counselling services to individuals and couples in the privacy and comfort of a truly welcoming environment at his Anglia Counselling company office, located near Newmarket in Suffolk, England. Bob also provides professional online counselling, for local, national, and international clients. The therapeutic models offered are bespoke to the client’s needs, especially those in receipt of 'childhood emotional neglect' (CEN), whilst integrating a mindful approach to psychotherapy and cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) principles. For clients experiencing trauma and/or phobia, Bob offers EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing).